I’m Still Here

I received a comment from Valerie and she has given me a tiny bit of hope.  (Thanks by the way.)  Although she is so young and hasn’t been living with this problem as long as I have.  I was debating whether or not to get rid of this blog because I have been doing really poorly with my weight loss hopes and dreams lately.  I find that as each year goes by it is getting harder and harder for me to lose this weight.  My illness doesn’t help matters either.

I’m just so frustrated knowing that so many others out there have achieved their goals and I am extremely happy for them, BUT what about my goals?!  Why can’t I seem to accomplish what I want out of life?  Every day I wake up saying that today will be different – but it never is.  Each night I climb into my bed feeling like I let myself down again.  I feel like I’m letting my whole family down too.  I know that they would never admit it, but I’m sure they must be embarassed by the way I look.

My daughters (C – 19 yrs. and S – 17 yrs.) are both very beautiful and thin and so have no idea what it’s like to be obese or even chubby or plump.  They keep telling me that I worry too much and nobody cares whether I’m fat or thin.  It’s only me that cares, but I know that’s not the way it really is.  I know they care and it does matter to them.  It matters because all of these years I have missed out on doing so many things with them (and my sons – R – 15 yrs. and F – 12yrs.) because of my weight.  I’m just so tired of being fat and unhappy and I really don’t have that drive to even try anymore.

I managed to do a little bit of exercise today – 20 minutes on my Gazelle.  I used to be able to do a full hour and then do an aerobics tape as well and some sit-ups (crunches), but that was about 5 years ago.  Maybe after supper I might force myself to do something else but who am I kidding, it’s never enough to do any good.  You really need to work up a sweat to burn off any fat and if I do that or even try to do that my Fibromyalgia will kick in big time and I will be crippled for days again.  I don’t think I’ll ever be 140 again.  I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get back to 199!

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Low Carb in 2002

I was going through my closet to find some clothes that I could donate to the poor when I came across a binder with some of my old diet info in it.  It was a small list of foods that I ate while I was doing the Low-Carb diet way back in 2002.  I remember doing this diet and I know that it worked because  I had done it once before in 1999.  At that time I went from 190 down to 167.  This didn’t last though.  As soon as I put the first piece of bread in my mouth I gained it all back.  This list that I just came across in my closet shows that my starting weight was 187 and my goal (as always ) was 140.  I’m not sure how long I followed this diet this second time because I only have 12 days worth of info, but I do know that I lost 7  pounds within that short period of time.

Here is the list of what I ate:

Nov. 18, 2002 – 187 (Goal – 140)

Breakfast – 2 boiled eggs, 1 oz. cheddar

Lunch – 2 chicken hot dogs, 1 1/2 slices of chicken bacon, 1 oz. cheddar, 1 romaine leaf (all rolled up together)

Snack – 1 oz. cheddar

Supper – 2 small burgers (homemade – just meat), 1 cheese slice, 1 1/2 slices of chicken bacon, 1 romain leaf  (cheeseburger without the bun)

Nov. 19, 2002

Breakfast – 1 scrambled egg, 1 small burger

Lunch – flakes of turkey (canned – GROSS), 1 tbsp. mayo, 1 cheese slice, 1 romaine leaf (sandwich without the bread)

Snack – 1 oz. cheddar, 2 slices bologna, 10 peanuts (1 oz)

Supper – steak, 1/4 cup fried onions

Snack – 2 slices bologna, 1 oz. cheddar

Nov. 20, 2002

Breakfast – 2 scrambled eggs, 1 tbsp. ketchup

Lunch – 2 burgers (small – homemade), 1 cheese slice, 1 tbsp ketchup

Snack – 1 0z cheddar, steak cubes

Supper – chicken breast, 1/2 cup cream of mushroom soup, 1 carrot, 1/4 cup green beans

Nov. 21, 2002 – 184 (I lost 3 lbs.)

Breakfast – steak, 1/4 cup fried onions, 2 fried eggs

Lunch – 3 oz. bologna, 1 oz. provolone cheese, 1 romaine lettuce leaf

Snack – 2 stalks celery, 2 tbsp peanut butter

Supper – chicken breast, 1/2 cup cream of mushroom soup, 1 carrot, 1/4 cup green beans

Nov. 22, 2002

Breakfast – 2 slices chicken bacon, 1 oz. provolone cheese, 1 romaine leaf

Lunch – 1 oz. cheddar, 1/2 oz. Polish sausage, 2 sl. chicken bacon, 1 romaine leaf

Supper – 2 small homemade burgers, 1 carrot, 1/2 cup green beans

Snack – 3 cups popcorn

Nov. 23, 2002

Breakfst – 3 sl. chicken bacon, 1 fried egg

Lunch – 1 small burger, 1 carrot, 1/4 cup green beans

Supper – (At my niece’s birthday party – I didn’t write down what I ate)

Nov. 24, 2002

Breakfast – 1/2 oz. cheddar,

Lunch – 2 fried eggs, 2 beef hot dogs, 2 tbsp brown beans (canned)

Snack – 1 celery, 1 tbsp. peanut butter

Supper – 7 homemade meatballs (contained breadcrumbs), 1/2 cup tomato sauce, 1/2 cup broccoli

Nov. 25, 2002

Breakfast – 2 scrambled eggs, 4 sl. chicken bacon

Lunch – 4 beef hot dogs, 1 tbsp ketchup

Snack – prickly pear

Supper – steak, 1/4 cup fried onion

Nov. 26, 2002 – 182 (I’ve lost 5 lbs)

Breakfast – 2 boiled eggs, 1 oz. cheddar

Lunch – 1 beef hot dog, 1 small can tuna, 1 oz. cheddar, 1 tbsp mayo, 1 prickly pear

Snack – pork schnitzel, 1/8 cup applesauce (homemade – no sugar)

Supper – 4 sl. bacon, 2 fried eggs, 1 oz. cheddar

Nov. 27, 2002

Breakfast – 2 fried eggs, pork schnitzel

Lunch – 4 sl. mortadella (2 oz), 5 sl. Genoa hot salami (1 oz), 1 oz. cheddar, 2 romaine leaves

Snack – lime yogurt

Supper – 1 sausage, 1 pork schnitzel

Nov. 28, 2002

Breakfast – 2 scrambled eggs, 3 sl. bacon

Lunch – mortadella, salami, turkey (deli meats), tomato, bocconcini (baby mozzarella), romaine lettuce

Supper – chicken breast (baked), chicken breast (mushroom soup sauce), 6 baby carrots, 2 tbsp corn

Nov. 29, 2002

Breakfast – chicken breast (baked)

Lunch – chicken breast (musroom soup sauce), beans (just the insides of green snap beans) with tomato sauce

Snack – 1 celery, 1 tbsp peanut butter

Supper – veal and bacon on romaine

Nov. 30, 2002 – 180 (I lost 7 lbs)

Breakfast – veal, 2 fried eggs

I didn’t bother writing any more for this day and I didn’t continue writing down what I ate from then on.  I don’t remember if I continued this diet or not.  Obviously it was working for me – I didn’t do any exercise at this time – but the meals were so monotonous and boring.  Even though I was losing weight I just couldn’t keep it up.

I’m thinking of doing this diet again because I know it works and I can’t spend another summer being obese!  I weighed myself yesterday and I am now 205!!!  That’s only 5 lbs less than I was the day I gave birth to my 4th child 12 years ago!  This is the heaviest (non-pregnant) I have ever been and I know if I don’t do something I will keep gaining and gaining.  Every year it gets harder and harder to lose weight and I know if I don’t lose it now, I never will.  I will be 47 next month and I’ve always heard that once you hit 50 it just gets more difficult to lose weight.  My health issues (Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, and the blood clots in my lungs) are really preventing me from exercising enough to burn any calories.  I don’t know if I will continue this blog or not.  It’s so depressing to hear how  well everyone else is doing when I just keep getting fatter and fatter!

Back to Walking

Well, I finally got some exercising done today.  I walked for 40 minutes.  I had to go to the hospital today for some blood tests so I walked 20 minutes to the bus stop and then another 20 minutes coming home again.  I know that’s not much and I haven’t done anything for almost a week now.  This week end I had a splitting headache that lasted up until, well… actually I still have it.  It’s not as bad as yesterday though.  I was lying down on the couch in the dark just about all day yesterday.  It seemed to go away last night but it was back again this morning.  It could be the weather because it’s been so cold and rainy and now it’s really hot and humid all of a sudden.  It could also be because I was around a lot of NOISY people on Saturday (that’s when it started).  It was my brother-in-law’s birthday, and my husband’s family can be really loud sometimes.  Or my headache could be caused because of my health condition.  I tend to get a lot of headaches.

A Lazy Weekend

I feel so bad – I haven’t done any exercise in a few days and I can’t seem to snap out of it. My family and I went away for the long weekend that just passed (Victoria Day – aka Firecracker Day). We went up to my husband’s sister’s cottage. Her husband and their two kids were there also (of course, it’s their place), and some other family members came up too but we were the only ones who actually stayed overnight. We went up on Saturday morning and came back Monday afternoon.

I tried to watch what I was eating and had fruit and salad and not all the cake, chips, and donuts that everyone else was eating.  I had burgers, a hot dog, and some grilled salmon and veggies and left the veal chops, steak, and sausage for the others as well.  I didn’t get any exercise done over the weekend except for an hour and a half of grocery shopping on Sunday.  I spent most of the time sitting on my butt on the dock by the lake or on the deck of the cottage soaking up the sun.  When you (I mean – “I”) take a few days off of exercising, it always seems harder to get back to it, doesn’t it?  It does to me and I haven’t really been doing that much to begin with.  I really need a kick in the pants to get me started again.

Springtime Theme

I decided to give my blog a happier, Springtime type of theme.  Purple is my favourite colour and it makes me feel happy so I thought… why not?  Even though there aren’t a whole lot of spring flowers out where I live – too much rain lately – I figured I could look at them everytime I view my site.  I’ve also added another column and some information on my illness (Fibromyalgia).  You can click on the pretty purple butterfly if you would like to learn a little bit about it and why it is one of my many reasons for not being able to lose weight all these years (or at least the last 12 anyway – that’s how long I’ve had this stupid illness).

For exercise today I am planning on going out and raking up all the grass that my husband left behind when he cut the grass yesterday.  No, we don’t have a bag on our lawn mower – too bad.  I did some more weeding in my flowerbed this morning and now that the sun has finally decided to shine for awhile I’m going to go out and rake.  I  know I’m going to end up with blisters, I always do.  Oh well at least I’ll burn a few calories.  If I still have any energy later (which I doubt) I am going to go for a walk or do another Walk Away the Pounds DVD.

Whew!  I did it!  I raked up all the grass that was left behind in the front and back yards and I actually didn’t get the blisters that I thought I was going to get.  I even plucked out a whole bunch of dandelions that were growing in the backyard as well.  I hate those things – why can’t the plants that you really want to grow do as well as those nasty little yellow weeds?!  I don’t know if I will be able to do anything else today in the way of exercise, but we’ll see.  I’m boiling hot right now and super tired… but I guess it’s a good tired.  I feel as if I accomplished something.

Today’s Movement

This is what I did today for exercise – a bit of gardening (flowerbed) and then these 2 videos from YouTube.  It’s actually one routine but broken up into 2 parts.  It took about half an hour because there are some ads in the first one, so I just kept marching until they went away.

Leslie Sansone Abs and Legs

Yesterday I was doing some searching on YouTube (while sitting on my big butt – but after I moved that same big butt exercisng) for more exercise videos that I don’t already have.

I have quite a few of Leslie Sansone’s Walk Away the Pounds (really easy for beginners) that I got about two years ago, but I came across some that someone had uploaded to YouTube.  I don’t really think you are allowed to do that, but I’m glad they did it anyway.  I’ve never seen these ones before.

Here’s one of Leslie’s that she did for abs instead of legs and arms.  I think it’s kind of like Pilates but I’m not sure.  I haven’t tried it yet.  It’s only about 7 minutes long but for an ab workout that’s probably long enough (especially for someone who’s carrying about 30-40 pounds in front that don’t belong there).

Here’s another Leslie video for the legs but not doing her usual walking routine.  This one uses some sort of stretchy band (“fit cuff”), but I’m sure these exercises would be very effective even without it.  The weight of your own leg would provide resistance too.  I know mine sure would.  😉 This video is about 13 minutes long.

You know what I like about her videos/DVDs?  She’s not slutty.  Do you know what I mean?  Do you remember all those aerobics “instructors” from the 80’s and 90’s.  What a bunch of sleazebags!  They were not there to help you or “instruct” you in how to lose weight – they were just there to show off their own skinny asses.  Sorry about that rant but that’s one of the reasons I will never set foot in a gym.  There’s no way I will ever shake my big behind with a bunch of “stick bitches” as I like to call them.